Upon entering the gate, he finds a man dressed in a brown cloak introducing himself as Oliver the Proctor. Mazus and his crew approach Oliver and ask where to find the Ring of Purity. Oliver responds by saying that the only way to find the ring is to find a stone called the Rune of Elements. After obtaining the stone, Mazus must bring it to a group called the Untitled. From there, they will lead him to a castle guarded by a Cerberus, which Mazus and his group will have to slay to get in. Inside the castle, the ring will be on the empty throne located in the throne room.
Mazus and his group learn that the Rune of Elements is located at the end of a maze, which they would have to solve. As his group followed by Oliver reaches the entrance to the maze, Oliver reaches out to them and says, “There is a witch that will use her power to turn your men against each other.” After hearing Oliver’s warning, Mazus and his group enter the stone maze. As soon as the last knight enters the maze, a slab of stone from the entrance starts rising, trapping Mazus and the knights inside so that the only way to go is ahead. They continue walking around in silence until they hear a scream coming from behind only to find that the witch had used her magic to turn one of the knights from Mazus’s group against them killing half the group. While the other knights try to subdue him without killing him, Mazus goes on ahead to find the witch to take the rune.
Mazus runs until he approaches the end where the witch is sitting with the Rune of Elements in her hands. As he approaches her, he starts to hallucinate doppelgängers forming around him. They start to attack him and he notices that the only way to stop them is to kill the witch. He creeps behind the witch and plunges his sword into her heart. He picks up the rune and watches her lifeless body liquefy and mold together to form several more bodies. From behind Mazus can hear the footsteps of his knights. When Mazus and his men prepare to fight the new bodies, they speak to Mazus and his men saying, “You have passed the test. Proceed with us to the next task.”
Mazus and his men cautiously follow the Untitled out of the maze when they see the castle containing the Ring of Purity signifying the end of their journey. At that moment, the Untitled begin to mold together to transform into the Cerberus for the final task. Immediately after forming, the three-headed dog starts grabbing at the knights and eating them. The remaining knights tell Mazus to jump from the cliff to stab it from above. When he gets to the top of the cliff, he notices that he is the last man standing. With one leap, Mazus drives his sword into the back of the Cerberus’ neck and kills the beast. This opens the doors to the castle where the Ring of Purity lays. Mazus stands and stares out to see his knights killed in action. He breathes heavily and heads towards the castle.
As he picks up the ring and stares at it, he begins to think if it was worth the journey to lose all the men he brought. As he gazes at the ring, a voice inside him tells him that he has the power to unite people together to stand against a powerful enemy. He then decides to keep the ring and to not return to the Crystal Palace, but to journey off to another continent to understand what the ring means and what power it holds.
My idea of how Mazus the Black Knight looks.
Author's Note:
I chose to tell the story in third person and in present tense. I like the medieval period and I enjoy writing about magic and other supernatural elements. The main goal from this story parallel to Homer's Odyssey was the journey in which the hero has to overcome certain obstacles and has to deal with the loss of those around him, leaving him alone. Homer's Odyssey is about Odysseus going on a journey and landing up on the Cyclops’ Island. After defeating the Cyclops, Odysseus and his men end up on Circe's Island where she transforms them into pigs. After Odysseus frees his men from Circe’s magic, he and his men go to the afterworld and he encounters the ghosts of people he knew. After they leave the Afterworld, he and his men go up against the Sirens, a multi-headed monster named Scylla, and a giant whirlpool called Charybdis. The story ends with Odysseus returning home. I changed the plot of the original by making the main character obtaining an artifact for someone else. The ending was changed with Mazus not returning home and instead setting off on another journey to another continent. I like the idea of having Circe bewitching Odysseus’ men, so I decided to keep that element in my story with the witch in the maze. Scylla is also present in my story as the Cerberus.
Odysseus is a very smart person and that helps him get out of dangerous spots but his arrogance leads him to losing comrades. This is a characteristic I keep with Mazus.
Information:
Book: Homer's Odyssey
Author: Homer (Translated by Tony Kline)
Year: Published in 2004
I can definitely see the parallels to Homer's Odyssey. There is trial and error. I could easily picture this story in my head. You did a really good job with the plot and story development. At the end I wanted to know where Mazus ran off to and what he would do with the ring.
ReplyDeleteI feel there could have been a bit more character development. I found myself curious about why Mazus would be the only one to return. I wanted to know more about his personal or emotional struggles during the story. As in, how did this adventure impact him? Bringing in some emotional aspect into the reasons behind his actions could make your story stronger.
Perhaps you could expand and use this character in your other stories? It seems like we just saw the tip of the iceberg in Mazus' adventures, and knowing more about his character.
I really enjoyed your story because I, too, enjoy the medieval period. I look forward to reading more of your work throughout the semester. Best of luck!
I love the idea you had for this story. I think it parallels the Odyssey really well. I see where Christina says that character development would have been nice, but I know that It's rather difficult in a story that is this short. I think that an expansion on this could be a great idea for your portfolio or even for a storybook.
ReplyDeleteI think you might have needed to edit your story a little. It seemed kind of choppy at times. With just a few edits for the flow of the story, I think that it would be really fantastic!
Great idea and wonderful story!!!
Kha,
ReplyDeleteThis is a really cool and interesting take on the classic Homer tale I would have never of thought to come up with something like that. You can tell that you put a lot of thought into it and that it is something that you are actually passionate about. As for the layout I think in order for people to understand the story perhaps you could set the scene a little better and give a sort of background story so that people can better grasp the concept. I was a bit confused at first as to what was going on but eventually got it once I kept on reading. So perhaps just a few sentences at the beginning to set the scene and establish whom the characters are. Other than that it was very well written and I really like the medieval take you took on it.
The first line really sets the pace the rest of your story – the way it flows is easy to read and you manage to mostly keep it up. Sometimes it felt like the tenses were reading awkwardly, but that didn’t detract from what you were writing.
ReplyDeleteLucia telling Mazus that he would be the only person to come back was a nice bit of foreshadowing. I always wish main characters listened to stuff like that – actually abided by the warning they were given – but then I guess there wouldn’t be many epics to enjoy.
Poor Mazus, being the last of his group, so sad. I liked the ending you gave him, though. Instead of going back to the Crystal Palace, he instead decides to go on his own path. The story definitely leaves the reader wanting more – what does Mazus going to do with himself now? Will he sell the Ring of Purity or keep it? So many questions.
Overall, not a bad story. Early in your story I noticed that there is a double space after each period. After only reading the first two paragraphs, I am having a hard time reading it. I feel as if I am reading something that would be on a website. I think if there were more details like for setting the scene that would make it flow better. The sentences seem very robotic. Once I finished the story and was able to read the author’s note, I could see how your story relates to the Odyssey. That was a really creative way to retell the story. The way you chose to end it was great because it keeps the reading thinking about your story and what your character is going to do next. While the beginning was confusing after I got more into the story I could tell what was happening easier. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Kha!
ReplyDeleteI like what you did here with the retelling of the Odyssey. I have not yet read all of it, only bits and pieces so far but I love Greek adventures! I also really like the medieval time period and it's fun time of magic and adventures. I see we have similar interests.
It is fun that Mazus gets to have creative license and not have to repeat all the same adventures that Odysseus's had to. I do like the suit of armor as the image in the story. But it may be helpful to add another image in the story or at the top of the story to help give the reader a good visual image to focus on or identify with. I really liked the story and enjoy reading it, and I look forward to checking back at your portfolio again.
Hello, Kha!
ReplyDeleteGreat story! The style you approached it with and wrote in was so entertaining and creative. I really enjoyed reading it.
I read the Odyssey awhile ago and it was neat to see your retelling of it. I also appreciate your author's note and how you included a summary in it. It was nice to brush up on what actually happened and how it all related to the story that you told.
The image does not show up for me, but the link to it does. I like the image you chose! It also depicts how I think a the Black Knight would look. It's always neat when your imagination matches with an image in a story.
The paragraphs and colors you use on your blog also allow for an easy read - so thank you, I appreciate that!
Again, great job. I look forward to reading the rest of your stories in your portfolio!
Hi Kha!
ReplyDeleteThis week I got to look at your portfolio. I decided to read the first story of your portfolio because I felt that would make the most sense in terms of how it seems that your portfolio stories are all connected. I also read Homer's Odyssey and I like how you related your story to it. In the original story I enjoyed reading about the journey that the characters went through and it was nice that yours had that theme of adventure as well!
Some things that I noticed: in the third sentence of your first paragraph that starts with "The King summons.." I think that there should be a "the" in front of "Ring of Purity." Also, in the fourth paragraph in the sentence that starts with "From behind.." it maybe necessary to put a comma right after the word behind so it is more like an introductory phrase and doesn't run together with the rest of the sentence.
Other than that I really enjoyed reading your story!
Hello Kha! I really enjoyed this story, I can't believe how creative you are! All for just this short story you created an entirely new universe with so many new and unique places and people. I admit, it was almost a little overwhelming trying to keep up with them all because they were so new and foreign but really it wouldn't be any different than if this were a book; I would just need to get used to the new world. I really enjoyed this story and your writing, you're so creative I can't wait to read your other stories! I've come in a little late to this story so I think any simple errors have already been fixed spelling, grammar and syntax wise. Great story and looking forward to more!
ReplyDeleteHey Kha,
ReplyDeleteUsually these types of stories aren’t really down my alley of stories I would chose to read, but I really enjoyed this one! It was easy to follow and you did a great job at describe the setting and the colors and adding those few little details that really made the difference by making it easy to visualize in my head! The names were a little bit hard to pronounce so it slowed me down while I was reading your story, but overall I really liked it. Parts of this story kind of reminded me of Lord of the Rings. I like how you ended the story that creates a cliffhanger and the opportunity to create another story that could follow this one. Great job at keeping the characteristics that you liked about the characters and changing the things you didn’t like so this could be a story that you fully enjoy every part of it. Awesome job!